littlegreyduck

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 23:06:48 GMT

Last night I was so frustrated. And I was tired. So I took pix of my bills. Yes, you are thinking, WHATEVER! But I felt I could use them in a piece. I used to draw my actual frustrations, in college, things that were bothering me. But I like to photgraph so much more.

I feel like I captured something by photoing the bills. Hell yes it is a boring photo. But it won't stand alone... and it isn't purely for art... I just want to express everything through my work(art) and even if some is sucky, it will make me feel better to do so. I looked at those drawings from college and I and fond feelings, not because I felt bad, but because I recorded it. Those drawings may not be gallery work, but they were important to me, more important than some stupid still life we had to draw, that meant nothing.

The indians I am told did not want to be captured on film as it did something bad to their spirit. So I capture bad spirit stuff and exorcise them with cameras. Yeah, whatever. LOL at myself. But you get the idea. Art is therapy for me, a channel to release things. And so I will. I do. I am.

Nothing else to say right now. Reading HP#5 D! HP#5 is cool. I really like the Weasley's more and more. And Sirius too. Molly is a firecracker. The description of Sirius's house is amazing. JKR is so creative!

Ryskopp - What else is there - Man, deepest respect for this artist and video director. This hits me in the soul. I can't explain, but it DOES something to me. It is like it goes through all my barriers and hits me, engages me, speaks to me. *is in disbelief and admiration*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTWzCnMv40M

1/17/07 Wed.

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 17:31:09 GMT

School has been closed 3 days. I had a 4 day weekend. I have been holed up by the fireplace for days, wearing longjohns, man I have been cold. Our house is a little drafty being 80 plus years old. But I DID do my walk last night in the shed (treadmill) - 3 miles, breath blowing "cold smoke" the entire time, it was 28 degrees F outside and the inside is unheated. I did my weight lifting too, bit that bar felt like ice and I did one less set than normal. But I was proud of myself for walking, even though it was cold.

We have had sleet for 2 days and nights... 1st time in years, (Texas). And it is neat. I did get a few pics.

I got to talk to D the other day and she has major ice and snow where she lives. My aunt said it has hit Tyler bad now, and my mom said they had sleet last night in Spring.

There are things bothering me, things that are so pedestrian I would assume just as not to talk about them. It pisses me off though. Problems you cannot solve, or cannot solve quickly. The reason I don't want to talk about them is twofold: 1) It is boring for you, 2) It just makes me relive bad feelings, and I don't feel purged, I feel like I am reopening wounds.

I miss my friends, I have been offline much. I just have so much on me right now I am fighting to keep it all together.

The good things:
Family, making pics again (art), dA, df, all my friends and their lovely support and comments and general caring about me, my dog, the fireplace, reading, tea, working out & exercising.

The bad things:
Careers (change, turmoil...nuff said), bills at the moment, paperwork overwhelming at work, uncertainty and fear. Struggling with self confidence. Feel insiginficant.

I wish I could play and write much longer, I really would just like to chatter on and explore my thoughts right now, but I have work to do that cannot wait. Alas.

1/15/07 Monday - ice

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 17:00:39 GMT

It is Monday. Oh yeah. TT TT
There is supposed to be freezing rain and ice by noon. People here do not know how to drive on it. So stay inside.

I have a LOAD of things to do this week.

I am feeling motivated.

Renew insurance license - check - just did that.
30 hrs of Continuing Ed by Thurdsay
Pay bunch of bills
Get caught up at werk
Make sure to get pix of ice when it comes
Hope we don't lose power from ice laden trees falling on power lines

In other random news
I got a pic of a dead dog
I got a pic of a wrecked truck and a wrecked car
The fire in the fireplace was lovely last night
I worked out yesterday(yay for me)

Nothing much else to report
Except the naughty naughty fun stuff last night, and I will just treasure that in my mind :)

A wreck! 1/12/07 Friday

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 17:23:13 GMT

I am a wreck
I am a wreck
haha
It will get better, I know it...
But At this moment! Haha! Sanity where are ya!?
I am irresponsible!

*UPDATE 11:59am*
I got my white docs in the mail! YAY!
That cheers me up. :)
Back to the Salt Mines.

New Photo Idea... May be very boring, who knows.
Pics of my surroundings,, maybe a montage
Opinions?

1/11/07 Thursday 1:47pm

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 19:52:04 GMT

At work, and lots to do.. May be busy rest of day. Hope all of you are well. I am likely to be busy rest of week and weekend. Company... You know how that is. Anyway. Emotionally stable today.... I feel strengthened by doing that shoot last night.

Life feels better, when you DO the things that are your heart's desire. So a note to all of you, if you know what those things are. DO THEM. Please. Be true to yourself. Ask yourself, what is it that I want. Find out. And then get you some of that, even if it is just a glittering shard at first, eventually you will get the whole gem. But start TODAY.

Do as I say. All that we say and do is right.
athf mayhem
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7wKbUnb3_M

1/11/07 nearing 1am

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 06:55:32 GMT

I am going outside now... Everyone is asleep...
I am going to do a self portrait photo shoot.
I don't know how long I will last.
The ground has water on it, it is squishy...
Temp 52 degrees F
Barometer 30.17 and falling
Humidity 83%
Dewpoint 47 degrees
Wind SE 8mph

It is cold when you are wet and I plan on getting wet.
Let see how long I can last cold wet and muddy in the wind tonight.
I feel very alive, like I am going to steal something.
[I am not a thief...]
But I am going to steal something.
I am going to steal night, images, time, and space.
Everything feels better when you feel like you stole it...
And I am not talking literal...
You ever take a nap, when you really should be doing something else? I call that stealing! and that is what I am really talking about.
Anything I ever really wanted I had to take it.
The world doesn't seem to "give" freely.
You gotta take it and ride it like you stole it.
I hope I am more daring in 2007 than I was in 2006.

These pics may ultimately suck totally.
But it has been burning in my mind.
And I can't get it out until I do this.

I don't know how let down I will be...
But I have to do this anyway.

Wish me luck...

1/10/07

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 17:19:40 GMT

Feel better today!

Thank God!

You guys must have sent prayers my way, thanks!

I completed my 1st couple pieces about the tornados...

http://littleblackduck.deviantart.com/gallery/
The ones I just Did...:
Tower 6034a, b, and c

And I paid some bills last night. That helped too.

I feel completely opposite than I did yesterday.

Welcome to Chris's mood swings. Jeesh. UP,,,, DOWN.... and then start over.

I slept well last night too. Work will be busy today, but since I am feeling better, it won't bother me. We are having company this weekend, my nephew, and I like him, so it is all good. And D, Goblet of fire is really good. I hope that Hermione makes that Skeeter reporter lady PAY Big time, she is such a Bitch! Ooooo what she did to Hagrid was awful!

I feel like taking pictures.

Anyone have any requests on what thye would like to see of my world?

*Is taking requests!*

1/9/07

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 17:02:39 GMT

I feel really bad today.

I feel lost.

I feel directionless.

I just want to hibernate for months... Sleep.

Remember Aliens? They found Ripley in stasis on that ship? She had been out for 57 years?

I have a friend who I won't name out of respect for her. She said she wants to vanish. Not to die. To vanish. To not "be" anymore. But out of respect for her family she won't. I have to say I understand that feeling. I know I am not her. But in my own existence -- I get so tired of myself, my life, my thoughts, everytthing. I would like to vanish too.

Another thing that REALLY irritates me. There are a lot of people who do not struggle with depression. And they think that people who do are weak, or just attention seeking. All I have to say, is if you are one of those, unfriend me immediately. I don't need anyone telling me that stuff. If you think talking about depression in general is that "e" word. Unfriend me. You do not get it.

I am not hating. I just don't need any more negativity or unsupportive people in my life right now.

And if this irritates you, or it is boring, quit reading my entries, leave me alone. And then I will know who are my real friends, the ones who stay with you when you are down. The ones who don't care what you say. The ones who like you for you, and not just when you are happy. And if I don't seem happy a lot lately,? Tough for you sorry. Things are transitioning for me right now, and I have a lot of things changing.

I love my friends. But I don't need any false ones. Just the real type please.

This is not directed at one person, promise. I feel this way. Deal with it.

On another note. I told (I don't like the term wife... it is too titley - lets call her S.) I told my S how I am struggling last night. She understood. And she is supportive. She made me laugh, and that was good. I can't seem to find my humor lately. Dispatch, you and I had some good laughs going, and now I can't seem to make those inside jokes... I hope I can soon again, that was so fun. Anyway, I told my S, that I feel most comfortable, fulfilled, and so forth when I use my art to make work about my depression or bad feelings. That seems the perfect channel. When I write about depression, I feel so vulnerable, so guilty, so open to people's judgement.

So you guys pray or send vibes or whatever you do, that I will be able to make some work and exorcise this wasteland, this cancer in my brain. (no I dn't have literal cancer)... but I have extreme bad feelings and I need to dispose of them, neutralize them RFQ.

That is all.

1/4/07 all afternoon/evening

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 01:48:22 GMT

I don't care for this video, but I am listening to the song...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tluogv9EGTQ
dead can dance - host of the seraphim

that is how I feel today

one step closer

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 20:55:59 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoytCHdSyJE

Yes...
I am wrung tight right now!
One more thing and I will explode.
I am at work.
There is so much piled on me today.
I was at funerals yesterday.
I am clogged. Like when a bunch of stuff all tries to god down a drain at the same time, suddenly, nothing can go down, it is clogged.

That is me right now, clogged.
My heart is racing.
There is so much to do here at work and at home.

Shhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-iii**! I don't Like to cuss, but sheesh.

I may have to just stop everything in a minute,
I am getting nothing done, except getting more amped up and less effective.
It is like yesterday, I was shifting to 2nd on my dirt bike and I missed.
Well, It goes 1st, hard click up to 2nd, and if you don't click hard, Neutral is between 1st and 2nd. I hit Neutral and the engine is screaming going nowhere, I am like (gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh).

I just have a litany of cussing going through my head. I feel very frustrated. I want to be flying through these tasks and instead I am all buggered up. This has never happened to you, right?

One step closer to the edge, I'm about to break.

If this was the day you were going to ask me for a favor, today is not your day.

Litany. Litany. Litany.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9T29Lqpi2RQ
That is way back, and seems dated now, but I feel like that in my head.
[diamanda galas] - that video is really annoying, but when she is praying and screaming, I like it, alot. More blood please. Less singing, more screaming, thank you very much lady. And fire your video director, yes, do it now.

Another phone call. one step closer.

1/2/07

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 20:05:39 GMT

Dispatch told me to update here.
*smacks Dispatch* (it wasn't hard, and I know you like fighting, so no whining from you)
I am so sleepy right now! I am at werk.
I wanna nap! Give Me!
I got spoiled by taking naps over the holidays and now I can't.
*head on desk*
Dispatch... I am trucking along in book 4 of Harry Potter.
Nee... was the new and personalized msg on dA okay for ya? *smirkies*
Lee... Pass the hair of the dog...
Cat... Hope all is well...
Pirateboots! what are ye up to ye salty dog?
Aw this is one I have not seen before. E Nomine - Die Runen von Asgard
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHDjUcaw2i4

Can someone tell me how to post pics in here...?
Can they be uploaded?
Or do they have to be Hosted elsewhere?
Is there a limit?

I want you to go take a nap, since I can't.
And then report back here if you did.

Christmas was good...
New Years was good...
I have pix from a tornado...
I have a new idea for a piece... something that has disturbed me...
I have a new idea to scan on my scanner...

That wire is disconnected today, can you shut me down, open me up, reconnect that terminal, screw it down snug, and turn me back on? Oh thank you I knew you would help me! *sits here waiting for the fix*

And then rewind my security cam tape and see who was fiddling with me all unauthorized-like. Spank them. Spank their sorry ass cherry. I will feel good knowing you have done this for me. Humblest thanks.

omg I need a nap! Give me Give!

Zoning out

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 20:54:57 GMT

I am totally zoning. I need to get busy. Guess I will write for a sec 1st. I got my christmas gift, which I paid for most of it, but what does that matter? A Canon Rebel Digital XT. I love it! I have never had a Digital SLR before. My other cameras: Canon AE-1P Black body (35mm), Canon Rebel GII (35mm), An old Yashica Twin Lens Reflex 2 1/4, A 5"x7" Large Format Camera (huge), and an HP315 2.1mp digital is what I use at work.

I am so sleepy! We had a spread at work today... Tomorrow, Sat 12/23 we are doing kid Christmas, then to Both sets of parents and then back home 12/25. 300 mile round trip... I already want to rest! Where is my nap?

I took some pix of Sylvia with my newest toy and I really like the camera! She is so pretty!

I am really pleased with the fun I am having over at deviant art. I have lots more to photgraph and upload. I am really well supported by my friends at DF too. They have really cheered me up.

I tried to lick those tatoos off last night... They came of a little. *smirk*

Music

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 17:32:08 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBL2VeamtHM
I just like to watch it... the song is okay too. ride dirty

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbspsPfeFwQ
D found this for me! Thanks D! WW famous chocolatier

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7wKbUnb3_M
athf mayhem mooninites... D... Our mascots... heheh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoqJwgmOUoI
Laibach opus dei - wake up! My voice hurts if I try to sing like him...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gUxF8lU0dE
D. This one is not for you... Goat singing. But I quite like this.
amid the falling snow.

So what is going on with me? Up and down... And awaiting this year to be over! I got a lot done yesterday. So today will probably be low accomplishment. That is how it goes for me.

Confession

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 16:46:15 GMT

Okay... I can't concentrate.
My sweetheart put little temp tatoo's on her tiddies last night.
I was getting ready and she hopped in the shower with me.
Now I can't get my work done!
She is too cute...
I don't truly like tatoo's a lot.
But the temp ones own!
and they are so cute on her tiddies!

Now how am I supposed to get work done today?

nothing

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 05:36:31 GMT

nothing is speaking to me tonight. I was going to do a chibi of needoll... I am not sure we are okay... And I am geting my new camera soon. Maybe switch gears. Wanting to photo again.

inner muse... speak to me...

Monday

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 17:53:08 GMT

At work... Monday... Shopped this weekend with mom. I had a good time. We did it fast! Bicycles and electronics.

Today? Catch up at work... Catch up on bills at home...

Want to draw...

Drooling over my christmas gift... gah!

Found a few zinc plates at moms I had forgot about.

Took a piece home I was looking for...

I always feel so peaceful at my mom's house. Like the world is held off, by bouncers or something. I feel like a child there. I am safe. Everything is okay. Everything will be fine.

I saw something that made me smile. In the upstairs boys side bathroom, in the shower... the ceramic soapdish and towelbar are broken off the tile. That was my fault, a lot of years ago. We were ...ummmm.... well, lets just say you can't stand on that, to get in the right position! LOL Good memories. We made something up... like she fell in the shower. It made a big noise and people came up there to see what had happened. ROFLMAO.
*is smiling*

at mom's

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 18:00:09 GMT

I made it... we had my sis's christmas last night. Lots of kids... lots of chaos!
Shopping today. What are you doing?

disgusted

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 23:00:23 GMT

Sometimes... it is possible to become sick of yourself. I hope I can feel better soon.

this weekend, I will be gone

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 22:33:48 GMT

This weekend, I am going to my mom's... They are having Christmas for my sister, a week early. She want to have her own x-mas at her house, so that is why we are doing it one week early. It is 100 miles for us to drive.

I plan on doing shopping too. Shopping. Ugh. Oh well....

My mom is a great person, I like visiting her. This year needs to hurry up and be over. I am done! Ready for the new year. I wish I could tell you I am satisfied, content. But you already know that I am not.

My life is in an adjustment phase. It is true. I started making art again last month, after a long hiatus. That has been wonderful. I am eager to spill my blood. Figuratively. It is funny, but my art is so theraputic. It is about things that are not happy. But it is happy. I am happy to make it. My drawing are more cheerful though.... maybe only because I am drawing silly fan art... which means little, except to make me smile. It isn't deep.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcZDL6dQA0M
Shoulder to the wheel

So adjustment. To new friends, to art, to redirecting focus. I am having the hardest time adjusting to my new business ownership. Also to friends. Also to just all that is my life, it is shifting, changing. Who's isn't, right? But I mean major shifts.

Tis Cruel-hard.

I feel so naked. And exposed. And vulnerable. Who likes to feel that way?

Is anybody ... out there?

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 18:17:34 GMT

That pink floyd song is in my mind right now...

hmm

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 17:29:03 GMT

A friend frustrated with me. Makes me sad.

Someone else, upset with me. Makes me sad too.

And others, are just fine with me.

Just would like to quit using words.

No words to explain
No words in my mouth
No words in my mind
But the gesture said it all
And the words refined it all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpPz0wy6vEc

I guess this might make me not man-ly... But I don't like people to be upset with me... I think I will just hide and quit talking for a while... Is that pouting? Absolutely... but I can quit being hurt that way. And I don't want to be hurt.

mmbop. I have to get my blood drawn this month. I am terrified. So I think I will photograph it as it is occurring.

KMFCM
KMFLBD

Cat... My thoughts are with you and Mutt and his dad.
D... Thanks for the vox link/ that was charming!
J... hope you make it here.
Me... shut up <---- no more words.

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 16:27:50 GMT

nee sent me this: Lamb - Gabriel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcvfS_szMUY
enjoy

this is what I am listening to right now: Enya - Amid the Falling Snow
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gUxF8lU0dE
Dispatch doesn't like enya
Dispatch says she sings like a goat
Dispatch likes Slipknot.

I can't be sad when I watch this:
Note to self, inject more anime, be happy duck.
Please Teacher OP by Kotoko - Shooting Star
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnpOoVhml_s
Ducks can't be 100% dark.
90% heheh

morning

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 16:02:25 GMT

I felt guilty this morning.
About my post last night.
But I really don't.
I can't.
I am tired of denying how it is that I feel.
I would rather just say it.
And if people don't like me or how I feel.
That is fine.
I will know then who likes me as I am
instead of who likes a mask I might wear.
I don't want to hide.
I don't want to pretend
I don't want to be a certain way for you
I am me
I am duck
I am how I am
and I do not want to feel guilty
anymore
So I won't.
This is me.
*sticks out tongue*

Wokey at night

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 08:58:28 GMT

I was asleep
Now I am up
Sitting naked, almost
toes cold
fingers cold
shoulder hot
heart cold
thoughts acidic

I spoke to my friend, nee
she had some broken things
camera
and eye for a doll
sometimes
life breaks you

nowhere to turn
no one to help
It's almost like I don't even know myself
I don't know what to do
Why!
Why?
Why am I here?
Why am I me?
Cold little fingers
cold little heart
nowhere to turn
no one to help
why was I born?
to what end?
broken
you know what I identify with?
pain
things being hard
what is happy?
what is sad?
i am not sure
but i hurt
i feel that
i feel that
imagining myself
floating submerged in some cold dark underground river
dead
but alive too
knowing where I am
unable to do anything about it
ice cold
darker than black pitch
flowing
dead and flowing
it's complicated
did you know that?
Death: light as a feather
Duty: heavy as a mountain

And to my DF friends, cat, d, um, violet, sn, fallen, and all of you, if any make it here (doubtful)
You may wonder, why is this not in my df blog?
why indeed?
I need one degree of separation
Now I have 4
I have 4 places to go with thoughts
here, df, da, and my real journal?
would you like to stalk me?
you can at three of those (1st joke I have made all day)
one degree of separation
what does that mean?
It just means sometimes I can't post at DF
sometimes I want you to chase me
and if you don't get that, it is okay
it is a game I play with myself
My pysche, it is complicated
Can you see me?
I can see all of you
in a limited way
from my underground river in death
I see through earth,
flesh,
distance,
time....
all thought
like code
raining down
I can see the code, some of it
I am starting to think
that I am alone
alone in my thinking
alone in myself

Let me tell you something
about my little wednesday
she loved me today
while I griped and threatened homicide
while I told her of the suffering and darkness surrounding me
she told me I was being sexy,
talking that way
she IS little wednesday
if you don't know the reference little wednesday, it may be lost on you
too bad for you
you could google it
or just not

death
will be
peace

i tell you it is so
turn me off
i don't want to
but i would like the
off part
i am in no danger
in that way
why do i do this?
why do i write this way?
the way filled wih pain?
people say
be positive
be happy
don't worry
that's nice for them
nice for them to tell me that
from their position of strength
from their position of warmth
from their tower of saftey
while i float
dead
in
the
underground
river

nice

for

them

sucky

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 02:35:22 GMT

Oh I am just needing to gripe.
Today.
Today Sucked.
I was tired all day.
Had some SNAFU this morning.
Had a very frustrating experience.
All in all, it is okay.
But you know, makes me bitchy...
All week, and last week have dragged.
I have been up, I have been down
a wild rollercoaster.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2MkhSyTI20
Kinda how bitchy I feel... I always liked them.
I saw them in Austin.
Alain. Freak. But I liked his music. Whatever.
Then, 2 bounced checks... not that I wrote, that were written to me...
Then, I ended up in the newspaper, and I did not like what it said.
So one
So two
So three
Three Strikes today against me.
The Empire strikes back.
If you are listening to that up there while reading this you ca hear in your brain
What is in My Brain
At this moment
The lyrics are not necessarily significant
But the attitude is
Bitchy
Angry
Frustrated
The beat
The beat of my heart
The beating in my head
*closes eyes*
Burning, burning
Thinking about the pressure
Pressure inside
Mind.
Iron Maiden, not the band, the medieval device
Spikes point inward
draw blood
spill the life
releases the enemy
the enemy is me
the enemy is me
the enemy is my blood
let out
let out
the enemy.
the enemy is me
laugh like a MF