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Last night I was so frustrated. And I was tired. So I took pix of my bills. Yes, you are thinking, WHATEVER! But I felt I could use them in a piece. I used to draw my actual frustrations, in college, things that were bothering me. But I like to photgraph so much more. I feel like I captured something by photoing the bills. Hell yes it is a boring photo. But it won't stand alone... and it isn't purely for art... I just want to express everything through my work(art) and even if some is sucky, it will make me feel better to do so. I looked at those drawings from college and I and fond feelings, not because I felt bad, but because I recorded it. Those drawings may not be gallery work, but they were important to me, more important than some stupid still life we had to draw, that meant nothing. The indians I am told did not want to be captured on film as it did something bad to their spirit. So I capture bad spirit stuff and exorcise them with cameras. Yeah, whatever. LOL at myself. But you get the idea. Art is therapy for me, a channel to release things. And so I will. I do. I am. Nothing else to say right now. Reading HP#5 D! HP#5 is cool. I really like the Weasley's more and more. And Sirius too. Molly is a firecracker. The description of Sirius's house is amazing. JKR is so creative! Ryskopp - What else is there - Man, deepest respect for this artist and video director. This hits me in the soul. I can't explain, but it DOES something to me. It is like it goes through all my barriers and hits me, engages me, speaks to me. *is in disbelief and admiration* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTWzCnMv40MCurrent Mood: predatory
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School has been closed 3 days. I had a 4 day weekend. I have been holed up by the fireplace for days, wearing longjohns, man I have been cold. Our house is a little drafty being 80 plus years old. But I DID do my walk last night in the shed (treadmill) - 3 miles, breath blowing "cold smoke" the entire time, it was 28 degrees F outside and the inside is unheated. I did my weight lifting too, bit that bar felt like ice and I did one less set than normal. But I was proud of myself for walking, even though it was cold. We have had sleet for 2 days and nights... 1st time in years, (Texas). And it is neat. I did get a few pics. I got to talk to D the other day and she has major ice and snow where she lives. My aunt said it has hit Tyler bad now, and my mom said they had sleet last night in Spring. There are things bothering me, things that are so pedestrian I would assume just as not to talk about them. It pisses me off though. Problems you cannot solve, or cannot solve quickly. The reason I don't want to talk about them is twofold: 1) It is boring for you, 2) It just makes me relive bad feelings, and I don't feel purged, I feel like I am reopening wounds. I miss my friends, I have been offline much. I just have so much on me right now I am fighting to keep it all together. The good things: Family, making pics again (art), dA, df, all my friends and their lovely support and comments and general caring about me, my dog, the fireplace, reading, tea, working out & exercising. The bad things: Careers (change, turmoil...nuff said), bills at the moment, paperwork overwhelming at work, uncertainty and fear. Struggling with self confidence. Feel insiginficant. I wish I could play and write much longer, I really would just like to chatter on and explore my thoughts right now, but I have work to do that cannot wait. Alas. Current Mood: busy
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It is Monday. Oh yeah. TT TT There is supposed to be freezing rain and ice by noon. People here do not know how to drive on it. So stay inside. I have a LOAD of things to do this week. I am feeling motivated. Renew insurance license - check - just did that. 30 hrs of Continuing Ed by Thurdsay Pay bunch of bills Get caught up at werk Make sure to get pix of ice when it comes Hope we don't lose power from ice laden trees falling on power lines In other random news I got a pic of a dead dog I got a pic of a wrecked truck and a wrecked car The fire in the fireplace was lovely last night I worked out yesterday(yay for me) Nothing much else to report Except the naughty naughty fun stuff last night, and I will just treasure that in my mind :) Current Mood:  optimistic
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I am going outside now... Everyone is asleep... I am going to do a self portrait photo shoot. I don't know how long I will last. The ground has water on it, it is squishy... Temp 52 degrees F Barometer 30.17 and falling Humidity 83% Dewpoint 47 degrees Wind SE 8mph It is cold when you are wet and I plan on getting wet. Let see how long I can last cold wet and muddy in the wind tonight. I feel very alive, like I am going to steal something. [I am not a thief...] But I am going to steal something. I am going to steal night, images, time, and space. Everything feels better when you feel like you stole it... And I am not talking literal... You ever take a nap, when you really should be doing something else? I call that stealing! and that is what I am really talking about. Anything I ever really wanted I had to take it. The world doesn't seem to "give" freely. You gotta take it and ride it like you stole it. I hope I am more daring in 2007 than I was in 2006. These pics may ultimately suck totally. But it has been burning in my mind. And I can't get it out until I do this. I don't know how let down I will be... But I have to do this anyway. Wish me luck... Current Location: outside, in the wet cold wind
Current Mood: sneaky
Current Music: silence
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Feel better today! Thank God! You guys must have sent prayers my way, thanks! I completed my 1st couple pieces about the tornados... http://littleblackduck.deviantart.com/gallery/The ones I just Did...: Tower 6034a, b, and c And I paid some bills last night. That helped too. I feel completely opposite than I did yesterday. Welcome to Chris's mood swings. Jeesh. UP,,,, DOWN.... and then start over. I slept well last night too. Work will be busy today, but since I am feeling better, it won't bother me. We are having company this weekend, my nephew, and I like him, so it is all good. And D, Goblet of fire is really good. I hope that Hermione makes that Skeeter reporter lady PAY Big time, she is such a Bitch! Ooooo what she did to Hagrid was awful! I feel like taking pictures. Anyone have any requests on what thye would like to see of my world? *Is taking requests!* Current Mood: cheerful
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I feel really bad today.
I feel lost.
I feel directionless.
I just want to hibernate for months... Sleep.
Remember Aliens? They found Ripley in stasis on that ship? She had been out for 57 years?
I have a friend who I won't name out of respect for her. She said she wants to vanish. Not to die. To vanish. To not "be" anymore. But out of respect for her family she won't. I have to say I understand that feeling. I know I am not her. But in my own existence -- I get so tired of myself, my life, my thoughts, everytthing. I would like to vanish too.
Another thing that REALLY irritates me. There are a lot of people who do not struggle with depression. And they think that people who do are weak, or just attention seeking. All I have to say, is if you are one of those, unfriend me immediately. I don't need anyone telling me that stuff. If you think talking about depression in general is that "e" word. Unfriend me. You do not get it.
I am not hating. I just don't need any more negativity or unsupportive people in my life right now.
And if this irritates you, or it is boring, quit reading my entries, leave me alone. And then I will know who are my real friends, the ones who stay with you when you are down. The ones who don't care what you say. The ones who like you for you, and not just when you are happy. And if I don't seem happy a lot lately,? Tough for you sorry. Things are transitioning for me right now, and I have a lot of things changing.
I love my friends. But I don't need any false ones. Just the real type please.
This is not directed at one person, promise. I feel this way. Deal with it.
On another note. I told (I don't like the term wife... it is too titley - lets call her S.) I told my S how I am struggling last night. She understood. And she is supportive. She made me laugh, and that was good. I can't seem to find my humor lately. Dispatch, you and I had some good laughs going, and now I can't seem to make those inside jokes... I hope I can soon again, that was so fun. Anyway, I told my S, that I feel most comfortable, fulfilled, and so forth when I use my art to make work about my depression or bad feelings. That seems the perfect channel. When I write about depression, I feel so vulnerable, so guilty, so open to people's judgement.
So you guys pray or send vibes or whatever you do, that I will be able to make some work and exorcise this wasteland, this cancer in my brain. (no I dn't have literal cancer)... but I have extreme bad feelings and I need to dispose of them, neutralize them RFQ.
That is all.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoytCHdSyJEYes... I am wrung tight right now! One more thing and I will explode. I am at work. There is so much piled on me today. I was at funerals yesterday. I am clogged. Like when a bunch of stuff all tries to god down a drain at the same time, suddenly, nothing can go down, it is clogged. That is me right now, clogged. My heart is racing. There is so much to do here at work and at home. Shhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-iii**! I don't Like to cuss, but sheesh. I may have to just stop everything in a minute, I am getting nothing done, except getting more amped up and less effective. It is like yesterday, I was shifting to 2nd on my dirt bike and I missed. Well, It goes 1st, hard click up to 2nd, and if you don't click hard, Neutral is between 1st and 2nd. I hit Neutral and the engine is screaming going nowhere, I am like (gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh). I just have a litany of cussing going through my head. I feel very frustrated. I want to be flying through these tasks and instead I am all buggered up. This has never happened to you, right? One step closer to the edge, I'm about to break. If this was the day you were going to ask me for a favor, today is not your day. Litany. Litany. Litany. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9T29Lqpi2RQThat is way back, and seems dated now, but I feel like that in my head. [diamanda galas] - that video is really annoying, but when she is praying and screaming, I like it, alot. More blood please. Less singing, more screaming, thank you very much lady. And fire your video director, yes, do it now. Another phone call. one step closer.
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